In Which I Return

OCTOBER 20

         Perhaps this blog falls somewhere in between Avril Lavigne and the Roanoke Colony on the Where-Did-They-Go spectrum. There are many theories that could be posited in answer to this question:

1)   The blogger abandoned his quest to try new foods and is sitting in the corner dribbling Chiquita banana baby food on to his bib. (ANSWER: False. But, said blogger did have Chiquita banana baby food when recovering from wisdom tooth removal. Yum!)

2)   The blogger completed his quest to conquer picky eating and now travels the world as a gourmet food taster.

If so:

a.     He last was seen in Zurich dining upon a fine ratatouille with the Duchess of Hapsburg. (ANSWER: False.)

b.    Employed by the King of Lithuania as the Royal Food Taster, he cleared the way for the king to eat all sorts of lamb, crocodile meat, exotic sauces, and never-before-consumed creams before being felled by a teaspoon of arsenic in, of all things, the King’s mini-corn muffin. (ANSWER: Nopes.)

3)   The blogger continues to be a picky eater but has slightly expanded his palate and is no longer stricken with terror at the concept of trying a new food. (ANSWER: Indeed. When presented with “Fried Catch of the Day,” he will often try it, under the false impression that it is chicken fingers.)

Since my Shakespeare: Histories and Tragedies professor recently

issued a warning that women should steer clear of men who speak in the third person, I will quickly switch back to speaking in the first person, so as to avoid my own history turning into a tragedy.

         Before the blog collapsed and vanished, there were scattered notes left behind. Here I try to recreate the last post that I had begun to write:

“Let me add to the previous discussion of haddock before we proceed: at one point, my father put a large piece of haddock in his mouth without looking at it. It turned out to be an entire lemon. One for the family blooper reel.

Anyway, upon my return from vacation, the great breakthrough arrived. I went with my friend to a Korean restaurant, confident that there wouldn’t be a thing on the menu that I would eat.

This restaurant, though not that large, was quite remarkable.

For example, there was a small lagoon in the doorway:

At this point, there was a photo of a small lagoon in a doorway.

Oh, and upon that small lagoon was a gigantic cliff climbing into the heavens:

Photo would have illustrated this.

And what should you always put on your cliffs? Why a white grand piano, of course:

There was actually a grand piano on a cliff. And I had a picture too.

Such a classy restaurant. Especially their lighting fixtures:

Then there would be a photo of paper towel taped to a lightbulb on a cliff wall.

Nothing says class like paper towel taped to a lightbulb on a cliff wall.

That being said, my friend suggested I order the gopdol bibimbap. I would have such difficulty pronouncing it that I wouldn’t realize I had never eaten anything in it before. You could get it with either chicken or beef, so I strongly requested that my friend order it with chicken (he speaks Korean).

When the waiter arrived, my friend pointed at me and said, “Gopdol bibimbap.” Impressive.

In the meantime, we got an appetizer plate of various things I had never eaten. These things began with bean sprouts. These look vaguely alive, slimy, and disgusting. I think one bit my tongue. I was not a fan.

The next appetizer was a plate of spinach something. I much preferred this to the bean sprout, but it probably was not something I would return to any time soon.

Suddenly, in came the godpol bibimbap!

I had never eaten anything in a hot pot before so I was disturbed that my gopdol bibimbap was making noises and bubbling when it arrived and continued to do so for an extended period of time.”

There ended my saga. I tried all the things in the gopdol bibimbap including crab meat and beef. So many points.

I maintained a list of the foods I had tried going forward into the summer: these included coca cola (meh), seltzer with lime (meh), Sun Maid golden raisins (WHY IS THE SUN MAID NOT IN THE BOX? POOR ADVERTISING), a bialy (which I liked), scrambled eggs (which I loved!), guacamole (nope), almond chip Korean cookie (amazeballs), a cheese omelette (incredible!), deviled eggs (errr…), swordfish (hmm…), cheese (Cheese? Who knows what kind?), curry puff (no recollection).

            The major addition to my eating array has been scrambled eggs and cheese omelettes. I will now eat scrambled eggs with alarming frequency, something I had never tried before July. I will also eat watermelon and honeydew when available. And pineapple, but then again, pineapple so very rarely is available. So it’s a work-in-progress!

         Isn’t everything, though?

         Even Avril Lavigne’s mysteriously disappeared career. (According to Wikipedia, she got married and she’s 29 years old!!! Mazel Tov!)