Crab Cakes and Raspberry Sorbet!

JUNE 6

For my mom’s birthday dinner, we went to a nice rooftop restaurant to celebrate. And, what better way to celebrate than with cakes? By which I mean crab cakes, of course!

I have an issue right off the bat. Although I’m not a vegetarian (as my trying salmon and lamp chops has likely indicated), I still think we should eat animals with a lot of decorum and somberness. Cause, like, we killed them. I think we should eat animals with as much discretion as possible and as little pomp and circumstance as we can manage.

Which is why crab cakes present a serious issue – the word “cake” immediately evokes images of celebration and sentiments of partyin’ partyin’ yeah fun fun fun fun. No one would ever offer you lamb cakes or pig cakes. That would be gross and disrespectful. Instead, meats are named tactfully, like filet mignon. You can’t even tell whether the filet or the mignon is the dead animal – it’s all extremely solemn and polite. Also, like, salmon. It says very simply, here is a dead fish. No confetti. No chuppah. Just dead meat.

I think I’ve aptly demonstrated why crab cakes provide a titular disservice to the crustacean they are made out of. Furthermore, they’re pretty clearly not even cakes. Cakes are big enough for many people to enjoy and they have icing. Crab cakes are little and round.

I believe, therefore, that they should be henceforth known as crab balls.

Actually, on second thought, let’s just call them crab cakes.

The point is, I tried crab cakes! Which are made of crab meat. Which I’ve never eaten before. I was kind of afraid there would be pincers. After all, as the Norwegians say, “Pincer me once, you’re just a tease, but pincer me twice, you’re probably a crab.” (They don’t actually say that. But, according to National Geographic, in 2004, “red king crabs are now spilling down western Norway by the millions.” And they’re refusing to be made into cakes.)

Crab cake before consumption

Crab cakes are ok. Not really though. They kind of look like macaroni and cheese balls which were named with great appropriateness, by the way. I got through almost a full cake. Which sounds like a lot, cause cakes are big. Not so, my dear Norwegian friend with a crabs problem. It’s not that easy to make crabs into cakes because the cakes are tiny. I think a red king crab would take like three whole cakes. And you guys have millions over there! That’s a ton of cake. Point being, I actually had like a few bites. It was kind of a weird, meaty taste. Not really my thing.

Let’s be honest here: I don’t like crab cakes.

Crab cake after attempted consumption

I then defiantly ordered a raspberry sorbet, riding on the coattails of my mango sorbet success of past weeks. I had never actually eaten a raspberry before, but I was committed to going for it. Raspberry sorbet was good and sorbety, but, succumbing to genetics, I myself was pushed by its tartness into making my mom’s classic tart food face. That’s some tart sorbet.

Anyway, it was a worthy attempt, but I’d say don’t get crabs if you can help it! (At least not in cakes.)