Spinach Pie

JUNE 11

            In order to follow this story, you must know this crucial information: everyone starts at zero points.

         My eight-year-old cousin was visiting my house. (2 points for him) Since I was eating dinner with a friend, I left my mom to take care of him. (-3 points for him, 3 points for my mom) However, I soon came back (1 point for me). My mom had left my cousin to his own Netflix devices (-1 point for my mom) and my cousin had chosen to watch The Lorax. (1 point for him)

         I had never seen The Lorax and being a jerk of a cousin, I said I wanted to watch from the beginning. (-2 points for me) My cousin willingly obliged (5 points for him)

         I had never read The Lorax before – I wasn’t really familiar with it besides being vaguely aware that it had something to do with the environment and the truffula trees were all cut down (which I know from the bridge of “Here on Who” from Seussical the Musical.) (10 points for Seussical the Musical. Seriously.)

         But hold up: 100 points for Dr. Seuss. (Who died exactly on my birthday but one year before I was born.) (1 point for my obstetrician.)

         The Lorax rocks my socks – that’s some brilliant, powerful stuff. When they cut down the last tree? Whoa, there, that’s one heavy-hitting plotpoint.

         20 points to Betty White for doing the voice of the awesome grandmother. 5 grudging and reluctant points to T-Swift for doing the voice of the girl whose love of trees inspires the dude to find the Oneceler and restore nature to the town where they are living. Which has no nature. (Thneedville! 5 points to Dr. Seuss for the word thneedville because of the consecutive t, h, and n. Brilliant wordmaking.)

         Anyway, I was watching this movie when in came my father with a bowl of spinach pie. (-5 points for my father bringing in spinach pie.) (2 points for my father encouraging the gradual breaking down of my picky eater fears.) A few days earlier I had tried vegetable pot pie: a major failure on all levels. In that case, my parents had warned me against it. In this case, they claimed to love spinach pie. (3 points to each of my parents for eating spinach pie.)

          I’m not sure if there’s some magnetic component in spinach pie (and one in my body) because I was physically repelled by tasting the spinach pie. Like, actually, I was blown across the room. It felt a bit like a Stupefy reaction where you get blown off your feet and crash into a cabinet which topples over on you in the Room of Requirement. (1 point to me for Harry Potter reference.)

         Spinach pie is deceptively breaded, but it actually tastes terrible. To me. (1 point to you if you like it.)

         But, hey, a month ago, I would never have put this food of the devil in my mouth in the first place. The psychological barrier was starting to break down even if my taste buds (being human) rejected the spinach pot pie.

         Propelled across the room I tell you. I didn’t retain much from physics but projectile motion was me. After spinach pie. Momentum. Force field. I just always wrote down F=ma and got partial credit.

         F = ma (16 points of partial credit for me.)

         Anyway, as I was recovering from the spinach pie, my cousin left. (0 points for him) But, seeing as I had been having a great time, I continued watching The Lorax until its beautiful, heartfelt ending. (1 point for me for commitment.) I may have cried a little bit. I’m going to say it was post-traumatic stress from the spinach pie experience, though.

         So ends this tale: Go watch The Lorax. (If you do, you’ll get 105 points.)

Captain, we're gonna leave the fork to fare for itself and just run for our lives

         FINAL POINTS ROUNDUP:
You: 105 points if you watch The Lorax + 1 point if you like spinach pie – if you fulfill both, you win
Dr. Seuss: 105

Betty White: 20
Seussical the Musical: 10

My eight-year-old cousin: 8
Me: 6
T-Swift: 5
Mom: 5

My obstetrician: 1

My father: 0
Spinach pie: -∞