Watermelon

JUNE 12

I went to my high school to see the graduation ceremony of the class below me. I went to see my young friends step up to the podium and receive their diploma as they moved on into the great, wide world. I went to see my former beloved teachers and their adorable babies. I went to see my classmates who were also there to visit.

But also I went for the mini corn muffins.

Don’t get me wrong: I loved my graduation from high school. It was a lovely day. The student speakers were witty and charming. The guest speaker was incredibly powerful and moving. But, lord almighty, the mini corn muffins.

If I had known, I might have flunked out of all my classes to get held back a year just so I’d have to attend graduation multiple times. Mini corn muffins are like animated shorts – you get the full effect but with less calories. Except that then you eat five. Or, at least, I did last year. But it was my graduation.

Now I was back for more. I sort of had a Grendel thing going on, except with muffins instead of flesh. (I hesitate to compare myself with Grendel, of course, given that I portrayed the role of Grendel’s Mother in a 2005 production of Beowulf the Musical, singing Mariah Carey’s “I’ll Be There” [“I’ll reach out your hand to you”] and “Oops, I Did It Again” [“I’ll play with your heart, your mind, and your veins”]. It was, needless to say, undoubtedly the greatest performance that I have ever given and that I will ever give. Pictures are available for money and/or mini corn muffins.)

Following the graduation ceremony, I raced out upon the field. The first table I came across boasted a large plate with a few crumbs – I had missed my chance. The mini corn muffins were gone!

My friend and his sister who is also my friend were to drive me back towards home so I rejoined them, realizing my mini corn muffins were not to be. Miraculously, their mom was detained by passing graduatory figures, giving me time to spot another table of food all the way across the field.

I sprinted – burning off the calories of one of the mini corn muffins I hoped would soon be digesting – to the table where I found a carton of Snapple, little personal bowls of fruit salad, and a tray of gleaming mini muffins. I picked up one – it was clearly a mini corn muffin. I picked up another – it was clearly not a mini corn muffin but, rather, another sort of muffin. I picked up another – a second corn muffin – success! Since I now held three muffins (only two of which I wanted), a Snapple, and a personal fruit bowl, I quickly went to my friend and presented him with the rejected muffin, a symbol of our eternal comradeship.

The two mini corn muffins were a source of enormous joy.

However, more importantly, the fruit salad contained watermelon, a fruit which I have only half-tasted in the past. Now, I would try it for real. I like watermelon – hurrah! It is very juicy and sweet – I would gladly eat again. Studies have shown that buying a half a watermelon is cheaper than buying chunks of watermelon.¹

I also ate more pineapple which I had eaten for the first time a few days earlier – it was as good as it had been that day.

Watermelon can join the list of new foods that I will now eat eternally!

Speaking of eternally, I look forward to the next of many graduations to come at my high school twelve months from now. I can’t wait to hear the speeches, see the smiling faces, feel the stifling heat. There’s no other possible reason why I’d be there.² What mini corn muffins?³

¹I went into a store and I saw a half a watermelon and chunks of watermelon and the chunks cost more.

²I jest. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, pastries or no. However, since there is now live Internet streaming offered, the mini corn muffins help as motivation to get out of bed.

³I also want to clarify that when I said “animated shorts” I refer to the kind of animated shorts that get nominated for the Oscars. Not the garment kind of shorts.